then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
