meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
