we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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