4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
