I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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