The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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