She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
