oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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