Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
