I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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