My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
