some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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