I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My bed smells like the plague
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
