we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
