Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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