Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
my liver is dry heaving
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
