I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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