i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
