The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
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EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
how drunk are you?
Several
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize