I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
