What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
PANTIES FOUND
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
