Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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