standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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