remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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