Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
God I need to hump something, right now.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
