Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
