I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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