i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
