He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Randomize
