It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
