my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
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On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
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She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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