I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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