What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
