Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
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So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
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He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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