remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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