Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
