so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
