you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
