Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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