Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
