alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
