omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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