Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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