Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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