my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
