I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
