Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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