Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
