my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just gargled with NyQuil
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
