true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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