Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
