the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
