haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
