If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
