he puts the penis in happiness.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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