I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
